Sunday, June 7, 2009

one funny guy

If you know me well, you know about my love for music by Ari Hest. I was on his website a few minutes ago, checking to see if he was going to be in or around KC this summer (only to be bummed out that he was in Lawrence not long ago). Anyway - I clicked on his blog site, to see what was going on, and came across the following in an archived entry. It's an email between Ari and his drummer, Doug. It's a bit on the long side, but hilariously worth it. Read on...

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Ari Hest wrote:

Hey, good news, looks like I’ll be able to do a two week(ish) tour with you guys in March if you’re up for it, from approx march 13 (joe’s pub) to march 29 (probably nashville). as soon as dates are confirmed I will let you know and also will figure out budget.

Ari

Doug Yowell wrote:

Great Ari,

Below is my personal rider along with hotel, sheet, pillow, lighting and fitness requirements. My manager and agent will contact you to discuss my multiple endorsements and vigorous drum clinic schedule which will coincide with the tour. My personal assistant will be laying this out in the weeks to come and implement it from my private tour bus. We will work closely with you and your staff to try and keep all schedule conflicts to a minimum. As you’ll see in my contract, page 34 sect II-b, you will need to sign off on giving way to my schedule first before continuing with said “Ari Hest Tour”. You and your staff will be invited to all wine tasting pre-show and will be given a 20% friends and family discount to the Betty Ford clinic upon completing this lengthy tour.

Is this cool or are you going to be a dick about it ?

i guess what i’m trying to say is… ah… yes… i’m excited and i will put this in my calendar… sir… thank you…

d


Doug Yowell’s Personal Rider

(rider… I hardly know her)


Hotel Requirements:

Hotel room should be neat and clean.

All alarm clocks should have the alarm disabled.

Lighting should be set to “romantic”.

Sheets must be 800 thread count

Pillow comfort Level must be “Natural Bossom”

A “Do Not Disturb” card should be available at all times in whatever language needed.

A downtown area phone book shall be provided (in case I can’t reach something in the closet or kitchen cabinets)

Bathroom must be de-pubed before entering.

Baby wipes.. not toilet paper.. I have a sensitive anus and I will show anyone who doesn’t believe me.

Hand Lotion shall be placed on night stand ( in case my hands get dry…. while watching a movie)

Shower Head must be facing center in the tub so as not to wash the entire bathroom when turning on the faucet.

A staff member will be required to call my wife to assure her that I am alone.

Windows must be able to open or a glass cutter must be provided.

Wake up call must include Kenny G. or Yanni to ensure douche pimples and skin rash to wake up.

2 hotel room keys will always be necessary. One should be left with me and the other at the local Hooters.

Food Requirements:

Edamame warm with sea salt.. not table salt

Vegetarian platter ( no meat… chicken is meat.. no chicken) Meat will be thrown about the green room should it appear on the Veggie platter.

8 oz jar of mayonnaise horseradish. This isn’t easy to find but that’s your job.

Butter Nut Squash soup.. from Whole Foods…if Whole Foods doesn’t exist in the state we’re in it shall be trucked, or flown in.. no exceptions.

Carrot juice made fresh in front of me, then bottled in Odwalla bottle and sealed… no funny business

Vitamin Supplement B-12 to ensure proper tempos during show.

These foods have been evaluated and approved by my nutritionist who will also be joining us and sending his own rider. These foods have been designed to keep my overall mood from becoming cantankerous and otherwise unpleasant.

Equipment:

My drums shall be set up nightly to perfection. (Toys R Us will be sending a floor plan similar to their “in-store” display)

12’ high drum riser shall be required to keep me chest level with said artist, “ Ari Hest”.

A Cooking Mirror shall be placed over the drums to allow my fan base to get a bird’s eye view of my massive skills.

Artist shall introduce me after every song in a new and unique way, somehow crediting me for making these songs even remotely listenable.

A spotlight shall be placed over me during any and all solo performances of the artist (that does not include the band) to highlight my reaction to the artist’s song, lyrics and performance which will undoubtedly change nightly, but should not be influenced my reaction (even if the audience begins laughing)

All tempos shall be subject to change without notice before/ during each song without protest. Any attempt to put the responsibility on me will result in your own embarrassment.

All after show meet and greet will be accompanied by me with first right of refusal of any and all hot chics. Whatever is left over will be doled out to the remaining band and crew.

The End

1 comment:

I am Bethany. said...

wow.

i think mr. dude needs to go on tour pretty soon. too much free time.