ponderings of the early hours

It's almost 1:30 am, and I'm awake. Blogging. The day isn't off to the best of starts. I've had a lot of sleepless nights lately, very few of which I'm grateful for. I've had somewhere around a million and one thoughts swirling through my head the past few weeks, and they all seem to vie for my attention in the wee morning hours. Thoughts that can't seem to evade my subconscious, each demanding its right to be made known in waking reality. I have been given some pretty incredible opportunities over the past week, and I am faced with making several big decisions in the upcoming weeks. These are the things keeping me awake at night, weighing on my heart and mind. I love that God never gives us a neon sign, or an email to show us what He wants - rather, He gives us an opportunity to trust Him at all times, not just when life is easy. Don't get me wrong - many times I'd love a simple email: Dear Becky: I'm going to provide for your trip by asking Bobby to send in $1,000, so don't worry about it. Or, in the case of the present moment: Dear Becky: You are going to get sick on Saturday of next week. Please start taking allergy medicine now. You don't want to miss that school field trip on Monday. In the movie Evan Almighty, as Evan is wrestling with what God is asking of him, Morgan Freeman (aka God), essentially tells him this: You don't go to bed one night with no trust, and suddenly wake up the next morning having it. God gives you opportunities to trust. It's what we do with those opportunities that defines our trust in Him. And I love that God loves us so much to give us those opportunities. It's just who He is. Which blows me away most of the time. I've been reordering my life the past few months, to where it is centered around His love. Thinking about things through the lens of His heart for me - such as He loves me so much, that He desires for my imperfections to be melted away in His refining fire. It's hot, and often hurts, but it's because He loves me. And I've realized that it's changing the entire trajectory of my life. It's been the most beautiful part of the journey yet, I must admit. It's not easy, though. Especially at first. But totally, absolutely worth it.